Now, well, I still love the sound and smell, and while my knees dislike the damp chill, I' still sitting here with the kitchen slider open, along with a few windows, ad the place feels like a wet sauna in which someone forgot to turn on the heat. But the joy, the happiness, the excitement have all gone. Now I sit here and I am flooded with worries, concerns, doubts, and depression.
It's been flooding up here since Thursday, and by Friday, the highways in the area, including the interstate, were closed. No way in, no way out. Our weekend plans to attend Nan Desu Kan were dashed, and I got to work cancelling our hotel reservations and requesting the convention to roll our tickets over to next year. (We'll see if the latter happens, as NDK is notorious for their management skills, or lack thereof.) I did my due diligence and called my mother to let her know what was happening, and fielded a call from my grandmother. I assured both that we were well and dry, being a mile from the river and at higher ground. We're damp, but safe.
I honestly have no idea what's going on with half my family in the area, which is one of the things feeding my depression right now. Not because I'm concerned whether Cousin M (mom's side) is safe or not, but because every time I have reached out to her or invited her to something, I've gotten no response. I constantly question what I could have done, or whether it's something else- I know she struggles with her own demons regarding body image, and I've been stuck on the conclusion that she despises me for where I am (which is very overweight and struggling with my own body image and trying to lose weight). So, instead of trying to reach out to her again, I just haven't. She's posted to Facebook and written in her own blog, so I'm willing to assume she's safe as well.
On the other hand, Cousin D (dad's side) lives a bit south of us near another flooded river and I did reach out to her, because she does talk to me. We chatted for a bit and assured each other that we were okay, although they had a few scares and they're waiting to see what happens. While she didn't contribute to my depression, our grandfather did. He posted to Facebook checking in on her and her family, but nothing to me. I mean, yeah, I've been posting daily about what's going on, but when family doesn't contact me, or talk to me, or asks someone else how things are going but not me, I feel very neglected and start to question if I matter.
All of this goes back to what I've been discussing with our counselor, who was the first person in my life who has told me that I am not crazy or wrong to have the feelings I have had. I'm not wrong to question things because of what I've experienced, and what I experienced was not just in my head. I'm still trying to reconcile that my life was and is grey, instead of black and white, and that just because I had some unhappy stuff happen, it doesn't mean that I haven't had a good life. It's a really, really hard thing to comprehend.
So I see family not reaching out to me and it brings up all of the questions- what did I do, what didn't I do, did I cause a problem, did I say something I shouldn't have, do they hate me, do I mean anything to them, would they notice if I wasn't around? All the questions circle around and always come to one conclusion- I must have done something, and I have to redeem myself before I can be reached out to and receive any attention whatsoever. And that makes everything worse because then I sit, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and sink deeper and deeper into my swamp.
I honestly have no idea what's going on with half my family in the area, which is one of the things feeding my depression right now. Not because I'm concerned whether Cousin M (mom's side) is safe or not, but because every time I have reached out to her or invited her to something, I've gotten no response. I constantly question what I could have done, or whether it's something else- I know she struggles with her own demons regarding body image, and I've been stuck on the conclusion that she despises me for where I am (which is very overweight and struggling with my own body image and trying to lose weight). So, instead of trying to reach out to her again, I just haven't. She's posted to Facebook and written in her own blog, so I'm willing to assume she's safe as well.
On the other hand, Cousin D (dad's side) lives a bit south of us near another flooded river and I did reach out to her, because she does talk to me. We chatted for a bit and assured each other that we were okay, although they had a few scares and they're waiting to see what happens. While she didn't contribute to my depression, our grandfather did. He posted to Facebook checking in on her and her family, but nothing to me. I mean, yeah, I've been posting daily about what's going on, but when family doesn't contact me, or talk to me, or asks someone else how things are going but not me, I feel very neglected and start to question if I matter.
All of this goes back to what I've been discussing with our counselor, who was the first person in my life who has told me that I am not crazy or wrong to have the feelings I have had. I'm not wrong to question things because of what I've experienced, and what I experienced was not just in my head. I'm still trying to reconcile that my life was and is grey, instead of black and white, and that just because I had some unhappy stuff happen, it doesn't mean that I haven't had a good life. It's a really, really hard thing to comprehend.
So I see family not reaching out to me and it brings up all of the questions- what did I do, what didn't I do, did I cause a problem, did I say something I shouldn't have, do they hate me, do I mean anything to them, would they notice if I wasn't around? All the questions circle around and always come to one conclusion- I must have done something, and I have to redeem myself before I can be reached out to and receive any attention whatsoever. And that makes everything worse because then I sit, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and sink deeper and deeper into my swamp.
